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I stumbled across a quote today, probably from some CEO’s ghostwritten LinkedIn post or a... I stumbled across a quote today, probably from some CEO’s ghostwritten LinkedIn post or a motivational poster in a soulless corporate breakroom. It read: “Life can be challenging… navigate it like a game. It's about understanding the rules and playing to win.”
I had to read it twice to make sure my brain wasn't melting. This is the kind of hollow, saccharine garbage that executives tell themselves in the mirror before firing 5,000 people over Zoom. It’s the mantra of a person who has never had to worry about their paramount plus subscription auto-renewing when rent is due.
And yet, it’s the perfect lens through which to view the slow-motion train wreck that is the modern media landscape. Specifically, the tire fire currently burning at the corner of Melrose and Windsor: Paramount Global. They’re playing a game, alright. The problem is, they don't know the rules, they can’t find the controller, and the other players are eating their lunch.
The "Game" Is Rigged, and Paramount Is Losing
Let’s be real. The idea that the streaming wars are a "game" that can be "won" with the right "mindset" is a delusion of the highest order. This isn't chess. No, chess has rules and a clear objective—this is more like a back-alley knife fight in the dark against a dozen opponents, and you showed up with a subscription bundle.
For years, the legacy media giants watched Netflix eat the world and thought, "We can do that!" So they all rushed to build their own digital life rafts. Disney Plus launched with a bazooka full of Marvel and Star Wars. Warner Bros. threw everything they had into HBO, then Max, then whatever they’re calling it this week. Amazon’s Prime Video just sat there, attached to free shipping, quietly becoming a monster.
And Paramount? They showed up late to the party with Paramount Plus, a service built on the back of CBS, some old paramount movies, and a vague promise of… more stuff. They have some hits, sure. A Yellowstone prequel here, a Star Trek there. But their strategy feels less like a grand plan and more like a series of panicked reactions. They have a deep library of paramount shows, but is it enough? Does anyone wake up in the morning dying to see what new movies on paramount plus have dropped?
The whole thing feels schizophrenic. They push their paramount plus login on you at every turn, yet they also license their biggest hits to competitors. They bundle it with Walmart Plus, a move that screams "we'll take anyone's money." It’s like a restaurant owner trying to win a Michelin star while also running a hot dog stand out back. You can't do both. You end up with a confused brand and customers who have no idea what you stand for. Is it a premium service like Max, or a content landfill like Peacock? What is the long-term play here? Are they just trying to pump the subscriber numbers to make the company look more attractive for a buyout?
We're All Just Pawns in Their Content War
This "game" metaphor falls apart completely when you look at it from our side—the people actually paying for this mess. We aren't players; we're the ball being kicked around. Every month, the rules change. A show that was on Hulu is now on Disney Plus. A movie you wanted to watch on Paramount Plus suddenly vanishes, only to reappear on Prime for a rental fee. Keeping track of it all is a full-time job.
And the user experience? A complete joke. The paramount plus app feels like it was designed in 2012. It’s clunky, the search function is a lottery, and god forbid you have to deal with the paramount plus login on a new device. It’s a masterclass in how to alienate the very people you need to survive. It’s not just them, offcourse. Every single one of these services seems actively hostile to the user. I swear, the 'skip intro' button moves on purpose just to keep me on my toes. It's a tiny thing, but it's emblematic of a bigger problem: they don't respect our time or our intelligence.
Think about the sheer, brain-breaking absurdity of it all. We’ve gone from the promise of "all of television, on-demand, for one low price" with Netflix to a fractured hellscape where you need a spreadsheet to manage your five different subscriptions. You need Paramount Plus for Star Trek, Max for House of the Dragon, Peacock for The Office, and Disney for your kids. The total cost is now more than the cable bundle we were all so desperate to escape.
We’ve traded one monopoly for a cartel, and they’re all playing this high-stakes corporate game where the only guaranteed loser is the consumer. They talk about "synergy" and "vertical integration," and all I hear is, "How can we squeeze more money out of you for less content?" Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I'm just yelling at the cloud. But then I try to find a classic Paramount TV show from the 90s and realize it's not even on their own damn service, and I know I'm not. The whole system is broken.
It's Not a Game, It's a Heist
So, let's circle back to that vapid, inspirational quote. "It's about understanding the rules and playing to win."
Here’s the real rule: the house always wins. The executives who make these boneheaded decisions will walk away with golden parachutes, regardless of whether Paramount ends up as a standalone company or a dusty content library bolted onto some tech giant. The game isn't about creating the best streaming service or serving the audience. It was never about that.
The game is about extracting as much value as possible before the music stops. It’s about leveraging nostalgia for the old Paramount Theater glamour while delivering a cheap, frustrating digital product. The game is for them, not for us. And pretending it’s some noble competition of ideas is the biggest lie of all. They ain't playing to win our loyalty; they're playing to win a bidding war. And we're just the assets being liquidated.